Scandal Report: The City Suns Itself in Miami For Art Basel

What happens when you take Mayor Bloomberg to Chelsea and put him in front of thousands of gay men? Well, he gets on his old Team Edward or Team Jacob routine. He's a Taylor Lautner guy! And then GATECRASHER reports that he said this: How many of you are on 'Team Jacob'?" he polled. With Taylor Lautner as the clear winner, Bloomberg racily replied: "I bet you'd want to be on him too." Keep it steamy, Mike.

PAGE SIX took its talents to South Beach last weekend for the Miami artshow/shitshow Art Basel. Nightlife personality Anthony Haden-Guest almost had his fun derailed by a little spill after he "had a little wine." But he kept raging until 3:00 am! What a trooper.

Dree Hemingway is a model descended from the greatest person in the history of people, Ernest Hemingway. She also went to Ernest Hemingway Elementary School. Did you know that? Facts, we have them! Onwards and upwards, then. So naturally Dree joined the rest of the world's gorgeous humans at Art Basel, and GATECRASHER has it from a source that she was making out with Elliott David, who works for V Man. That's a magazine! Drudge Siren: Dree Hemingway and a person at a magazine! We write for a weekly newspaper, which is sort of like writing for a magazine, meaning that we, too, can make out with Dree Hemingway. That's how it works.

The magic that is Art Basel was working on ball expert Alex Rodriguez and Kelly Bensimon, a woman on a show about real wives in houses. Or something like that. PAGE SIX riffs on some unconfirmed talking or something. When does the season start? Get this guy back in the infield!

Piano man meets banker woman! But she's no uptown girl -- Long Island, actually. GATECRASHER says that the entertainer and big shot says goodbye to Hollywood by choosing someone with a different kind of New York state of mind. You may be right, Captain Jack, she's always a woman. And it may be the longest time before she's movin' out.

Bodyguard in tow, Jaden Smith rolled up to a party where Selena Gomez awaited him and then promptly demolished some poor soul in a dance-off, PAGE SIX says. Then he went home and did his homework, because he's 12.

Some Boom Boom News at the Boom Boom Room! Blake Lively's shiny hair hovered near Ryan Gosling for most of the Blue Valentine premiere after party, GATECRASHER relays. He's so smitten he would turn his head at any whisper or call. Gosling is a baby duck!

Keith Richards was at the New York Public Library in October. And though you can't smoke at the New York Public Library, Keith Richards lit up a cigarette in an office. What an idea -- smoking inside! Like a newspaper office in all those black and white movies! Anyhow, the smoke suffocated an orchid and killed it, the deputy director tells PAGE SIX. Hey, we'd take Keef over some dumb flower any day.

He shoots, he scores! Danilo Gallinari of the New York Knicks has been canoodling around town with Michelle Trachtenburg, who plays Georgina Sparks on Gossip Girl. PAGE SIX reports that when he's not attempting to rouse his teammates out of mediocrity, Gallo accompanies Michelle to places such as 10ak and Provocateur. He's very tall and she's very short!

Silly solipsistic directors! GATECRASHER tells us that Derek Cianfrance, director of the new RyGos flick Blue Valentine that we just talked about -- you're a repeat offender Gatecrasher! -- styled the hair of the actor after his own. Like other old people, Cianfrance is balding. Therefor, Ryan Gosling -- who has a last name that's also the name of a baby duck -- is bald at some points in the movie. Does that make him like more or less like a baby duck, then? We think more!

Can you believe it? It's been weeks since Gatecrasher could kick Page Six off the top of the mountain and claim the dirt-spilling crown, but they did it! The streak is over! OK: how, exactly did Gatecrasher out-write and out-scoop the Page Six scribes? Well, they were at the right places and got the best quotes -- Bloomberg's Edward-Jacob argument was a gem, and they were on the case at the Blue Valentine after party at the Boom Boom Room. But next week there will be more gossip, as there is every other week. We'll be waiting for your mistakes and scandals, celebrities!